I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.