I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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