Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
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It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
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My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.