i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.