If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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