i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
im so drunk with asians
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.