sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
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I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?