thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Found your dick twin last night
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you