You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
she pinky promised me she was 18
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?