tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
