It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
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Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
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its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.