Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
