I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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