Texts From Last Night

Hawks_81's Favorites Texts:

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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
  Replies (188) Good night (56956) Bad night (4713)
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  like it was yesterday

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  (240): Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra? (732): like it was yesterday http://tfl.nu/1org
  Replies (20) Good night (11479) Bad night (1045)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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  (919): I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever http://tfl.nu/iy56
  Replies (51) Good night (10842) Bad night (1094)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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  (519): He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid. (604): HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES http://tfl.nu/zs3p
  Replies (26) Good night (5042) Bad night (1223)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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  (508): this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes" http://tfl.nu/1j0f
  Replies (18) Good night (1717) Bad night (5896)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen

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  (847): If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen http://tfl.nu/f9bs
  Replies (4) Good night (3624) Bad night (1290) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".

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  (201): A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead". http://tfl.nu/bwjk
  Replies (10) Good night (5666) Bad night (902)
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

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  (828): Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy. http://tfl.nu/roru
  Replies (15) Good night (5819) Bad night (1310) Order T-Shirt
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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  (306): So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation". http://tfl.nu/h2mq
  Replies (85) Good night (3290) Bad night (39468) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"

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  (651): I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated" http://tfl.nu/zfhg
  Replies (29) Good night (1477) Bad night (8607) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.

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  (904): I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once. http://tfl.nu/u86e
  Replies (71) Good night (12013) Bad night (907) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?

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  (612): When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder? http://tfl.nu/3y9l
  Replies (16) Good night (3445) Bad night (1240) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?

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  (850): Did you dl zombie porn on my computer? http://tfl.nu/emjo
  Replies (11) Good night (1764) Bad night (3049) Order T-Shirt
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  (661): View more from California

  the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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  (661): the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep. http://tfl.nu/zfm0
  Replies (74) Good night (40264) Bad night (1093) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.

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  (315): So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave. http://tfl.nu/cgpg
  Replies (46) Good night (688) Bad night (9460)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.

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  (843): He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat. http://tfl.nu/b45i
  Replies (29) Good night (5191) Bad night (712) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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  (330): The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life. http://tfl.nu/g5ok
  Replies (35) Good night (15264) Bad night (1140)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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  (405): Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything. http://tfl.nu/pmpx
  Replies (76) Good night (27569) Bad night (1613)
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.

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  (563): that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark. http://tfl.nu/i86g
  Replies (13) Good night (983) Bad night (2185) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating

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  (440): I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating http://tfl.nu/7lhs
  Replies (24) Good night (5973) Bad night (481) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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  (217): you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out http://tfl.nu/t2x9
  Replies (42) Good night (10760) Bad night (1151) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

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  (407): this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god. http://tfl.nu/34d8
  Replies (65) Good night (13442) Bad night (700) Order T-Shirt
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

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  (906): i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius? http://tfl.nu/ei5s
  Replies (150) Good night (14488) Bad night (3228) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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  (703): so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine. http://tfl.nu/s4y5
  Replies (25) Good night (10059) Bad night (1320)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  hows the party?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ists fjcssing insceredle

  (913): View more from Kansas

  be there in 10

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  (913): hows the party? (816): ists fjcssing insceredle (913): be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/innz
  Replies (61) Good night (26651) Bad night (1222)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks

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  (440): Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks http://tfl.nu/nonu
  Replies (21) Good night (7013) Bad night (866) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?

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  (828): Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom? http://tfl.nu/y1hl
  Replies (26) Good night (1231) Bad night (7709) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?

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  (760): Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college? http://tfl.nu/r2e9
  Replies (36) Good night (3451) Bad night (3703) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  im bored tell me something entertaining

  (206): View more from Washington

  You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.

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  (425): im bored tell me something entertaining (206): You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam. http://tfl.nu/m0ao
  Replies (48) Good night (1452) Bad night (9612)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?

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  (248): Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back? http://tfl.nu/so4j
  Replies (10) Good night (681) Bad night (1392) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.

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  (773): well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it. http://tfl.nu/vp9s
  Replies (19) Good night (5916) Bad night (976)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.

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  (734): You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom. http://tfl.nu/aenv
  Replies (34) Good night (3628) Bad night (1138) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.

  (646): View more from New York

  I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.

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  (360): I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am. (646): I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ. http://tfl.nu/g49z
  Replies (13) Good night (465) Bad night (1037)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.

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  (815): I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed. http://tfl.nu/ikx6
  Replies (21) Good night (5785) Bad night (1173) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Right after we had the just friends talk..

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  (610): At what point last night did I start ordering doubles? (856): Right after we had the just friends talk.. http://tfl.nu/zby8
  Replies (22) Good night (1000) Bad night (7192)
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  (806): View more from Texas

  You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.

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  (806): You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you. http://tfl.nu/w13u
  Replies (48) Good night (2130) Bad night (3131) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

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  (443): So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka http://tfl.nu/4spi
  Replies (37) Good night (1266) Bad night (13043)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.

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  (203): We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved. http://tfl.nu/1hyb
  Replies (31) Good night (5737) Bad night (791) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl

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  (504): He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl http://tfl.nu/0j8b
  Replies (15) Good night (668) Bad night (2292) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone

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  (404): i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone http://tfl.nu/jdpw
  Replies (44) Good night (2838) Bad night (457) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.

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  (480): the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy. http://tfl.nu/p73q
  Replies (17) Good night (5424) Bad night (579)
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  (562): View more from California

  glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore

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  (562): glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore http://tfl.nu/a739
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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  (608): Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him. http://tfl.nu/b6v7
  Replies (49) Good night (8765) Bad night (861) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.

  (1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

  at least i was looking out for everybody

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  (403): You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone. (1-403): at least i was looking out for everybody http://tfl.nu/ilsz
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  (212): View more from New York

  i want you now

  (916): View more from California

  you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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  (212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this http://tfl.nu/8egt
  Replies (148) Good night (6932) Bad night (69273)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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  (440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6
  Replies (48) Good night (47630) Bad night (2113) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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  (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t
  Replies (280) Good night (54098) Bad night (4435) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
  Replies (235) Good night (64959) Bad night (2545)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
  Replies (491) Good night (133310) Bad night (5808)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.

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  (201): she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator. http://tfl.nu/ju6d
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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  (401): he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick http://tfl.nu/778x
  Replies (69) Good night (14311) Bad night (3621) Order T-Shirt