I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups