I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.