It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section