She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.