We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
