She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.