We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I faked an abortion last night.
your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)