Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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