My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right