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We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i dont even know how to be here
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
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