he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
THAT is your concern right now?
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..