yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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