Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.