And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
