I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances