He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here