So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm gonna have a badass scar
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i would punch a child for taco bell
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.