Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.