I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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