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fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
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