You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
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Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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