she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick