when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.