trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.