one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
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i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
where are you?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.