when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
