FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins