My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You're like the curious george of whores
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Banned from zoo.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.