Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
where are you?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"