We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one