He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
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Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
what if I'm pregnant?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.