You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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