phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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