He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
farters have to be the big spoon...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
grandma shit on top of the toilet
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
Apparently you make a good broom.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.