WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Wipe that smile off your face.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Banned from zoo.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.