How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".