I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
