I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on